Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
