Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Randomize
