listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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