I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
