i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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