you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
