What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
