I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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