I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
