I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
