Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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