i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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