hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
