so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
