on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
