:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
