This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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