Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
