a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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