We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
