He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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