It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
