I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
