Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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