So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
