I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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