Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
