Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My bed smells like the plague
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
