She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
