Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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