i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
