Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
