On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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