She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
