Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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