He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
