So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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