I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
