Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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