I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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