I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
