Only a mothe r could love this liver
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
