Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
