Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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