hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
