Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
