i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
