Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
