You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
