I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
