hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
