yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
