ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
