found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just want nice things and good sex
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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