dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
