Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
