I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
