I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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