I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
