You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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