if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
