I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
