so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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