sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
