thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
